Saturday, September 15, 2007

What's Happening Now

I have not forgotten about his blog. I have a rambling post I keep meaning to edit and publish, but the past seems so silly right now, what with the present being so difficult.

Thing is, I don’t know if I can keep my job. And this is a really big deal to me – I thought this new job would provide me with new experience and a better income, which it can. I spent the last few weeks bitching and moaning to anyone who would listen about my new job, how impossible it is, how it’s everyone else’s fault. It’s my boss’ fault for being so disorganized and incommunicable, and it’s the VP’s fault for snatching up most of my work before I can do it (and learn it). But I realized last weekend that it was me. Me! My fault. I was hired to run a business. I’m not doing it so well.

And the mistakes I’m making? They’re starting to come back and bite us all in the ass. The problem? I didn’t see these matters as problems when I first encountered them! How can I give anyone a “heads-up” when I don’t see reason to at the time? These mistakes – I’m just learning about them when they’re so direly fucked-up that we’re all screwed! I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I feel like I should go back to the area of my profession where I’m most knowledgeable.

Who the hell can train me when I had no training? “Here, steer this ship; now.” Is it acceptable for “training” to be an indeterminable period of time where I just fuck everything up and learn in that manner? No! I don’t think it is. I have suffered, for the first time in my life, serious health problems related to stress. At least a dozen doctor’s visits. And I’m not going to the gym 3 times a week. This is not me. This is not who I am now. I am strong, and all I feel lately is weak and stupid.

If this were a larger company, there would be people to ask, and resources available for me but there aren’t here. Today I cleared out my desk and took down my personal pictures. VP saw me. VP is younger than me. Her radar went off immediately and she closed the door and asked me if I was quitting. I said yes. She proceeded to give me the most friendly pep talk I’ve ever had. Which made me feel ten times worse. She related to me how she almost single-handedly fucked up the company too, when she was first hired many years ago. The boss even cried at her and screamed that she was ruining his business. But don’t worry, I’ll get used to it. I couldn’t help but smile/sob, but what these people perceive as a normal work environment is simply not. VP pops prescription blood-pressure lowering pills every day and still breaks out in hives, every day. It’s not healthy, it’s making me sick, and the horrible thing is I don’t get paid for overtime, which I’m expected to work every day (they want 10 hours a day from me). I don’t get it. VP thinks I can eventually catch on and she believes in me. Sweet. And genuinely honest. But do I want to?

I had a job interview a couple of years ago with the president of a company, an Israeli man. He was also a cokehead – I caught him doing coke when I walked into his office, which he played off like “I-just-have-the-sniffles; oh-wait-let-me-shut-this-small-lacquer-box; nevermind.” For all his weirdness, he said something to me that stuck in my head: “There are two kinds of people: ducks, and eagles. Ducks are content to sit and wait for instruction, ducks are good and dependable, but only if you want someone who does small things. Eagles: they soar high. They lead, they demand that others follow. They make things happen. I only hire eagles.”

Now, I can’t help thinking that – well, that I’m a duck! Should I just seek out a duck’s life, a duck’s job? Because if that would truly make me happy -- fuck, I’m a duck! I’ve fantasized quitting my job and bagging groceries for a little while. Seriously!

I will send my resume out on Monday again. I will answer any calls I get from headhunters. And if I get a job for less pay, I think I’ll take it.

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